According to the Buddha, an admirable friendship (Kalyāṇa-mittatā) is one of the most important factors in leading a meaningful and wholesome life. It is not just a part of the spiritual journey but the whole of it. True friendship is built on mutual respect, kindness, and the ability to help one another grow, both in worldly life and on the path of Dhamma.
Qualities of an Admirable Friend
In the Sigālaka Sutta (DN 31), the Buddha describes four types of good friends:
- The Helper (Upakāra-mitta) – The one who supports you in times of difficulty.
- The Steadfast Friend (Sama-sukha-dukkha-mitta) – The one who stands by you in both joy and sorrow.
- The Guide (Atthakkhāyī-mitta) – The one who advises you wisely and warns you against unwholesome actions.
- The Compassionate Friend (Anukampaka-mitta) – The one who deeply understands you and encourages your growth.
A true friendship goes beyond fleeting emotions and is tested through challenges, differences, and even conflicts. During such times, we learn whether our bond with someone is truly admirable.
We Chose Love Over Everything Else
Life is short; everybody says that, but only a few truly live by this realization. Very few. As a child of Dhamma, I try to live with this understanding and avoid holding grudges against anyone with whom I share my life. After all, we live among people, we work with people, and differences will inevitably arise—in the form of verbal disagreements, small fights, or misunderstandings. We cannot avoid people, and as nature has designed us to be social beings, our joys and sorrows often stem from the relationships we cultivate.
Megh and I have been friends for many years. She lovingly claims that I am her best friend, and I feel this seeing our deep bond. A few months ago, while performing our duties at the center, we had a disagreement regarding a shared responsibility. I reacted in a way that could have easily been avoided—being blunt and outspoken by nature, I sometimes take a sense of amusement in small verbal fights with people I love or admire. But this time, it led to a serious argument, and we ended up having a rude exchange on WhatsApp, ultimately ceasing communication with each other.
Days passed, and we, being Vipassana meditators, processed this situation in our own ways, without initiating personal communication. However, unlike most friendships where silence can mean distance, she remained professional and continued exchanging official information whenever necessary. This was a silent testament to the maturity of our friendship.
Meanwhile, I realized that while my reaction was unwise, differences of opinion are natural and should not lead to losing people I admire. Our argument was work-related, not personal. So one fine day, I took the initiative and sent her a personal message, followed by a picture of dinner with our common friend Swati. Slowly, our conversations resumed.
A few weeks later, she went for a long course and returned after 45 days. When we reconnected over a long phone conversation, she later confessed that she still felt a lingering uneasiness even when we were in touch. However, during her course, she had reflected on it and let it go. The moment she did, she felt an immediate sense of relief.
I acknowledged that my behavior could have been gentler. But, being the friend that I am, I playfully told her that I would continue to test our friendship by provoking her now and then—just to see how truly admirable our friendship is!
True Friendship in the Light of Dhamma
This experience beautifully illustrates the essence of Kalyāṇa-mittatā. An admirable friendship is not one without differences, but one where conflicts do not overshadow the love, respect, and mutual growth within the relationship. As the Buddha said in the Upaddha Sutta (SN 45.2):
“No, Ānanda, not half. Having admirable friends is the whole of the spiritual life.”
A true friend helps you grow in wisdom, virtue, and understanding. They do not just celebrate your successes but stand by you during conflicts, helping you refine your nature. Megh and I, despite our differences, chose love over everything else—and that is the essence of an admirable friendship.
May we all cultivate friendships that inspire us to become better versions of ourselves.
Wonderful to read..:)
ReplyDeleteThank you Dr.
DeleteHii.. do I know Megh and Saavati too if she was the same then you could have written her real name
ReplyDeleteHeartwarming to see the deep bonding and friendship you both share, very insightful and candid blog post, much love, Kala
ReplyDeleteThank you, Dear di.
DeleteAwesome Bhayia 👍Keep Sharing Such Insights 😊
ReplyDelete